I haven't been able to write a thing for the longest time. I feel I have let myself down, because I do so enjoy sharing my thoughts about life, love, happiness and sadness. However, it is fitting that during the holiday season, I have learned something new; how to be my own best friend.
Yes, corny as it is, as 70's as it is, it has happened and to me! I have never learned to enjoy my own company- until very recently. There was always a child, husband, or relative around to absorb my time. I never really had to get to "know" myself. And secretly, I was afraid I wouldn't like myself. I thought I always had to have the "company" of others to keep me from dealing with this Pandora box.
So, after my son left to take a job in Florida in January, 2010; I was faced with yes, being alone, ( if you don't count the Great Pyrenees and Goffen Cockatoo I have in tow). The first few months' were the most difficult. I was transitioning to having constant stimulation to being alone with just the animals. My new, little apartment proved to be a safe haven to begin this journey.
I felt the rush of panic come over me, not unlike the feeling I had when I had to TRAVEL alone for business. I know it sounds just nuts, but I have this ANXIETY thing going on, causing me to even go into COLD SWEATS when I let my mind have free range.
Know what? I learned that the old expression, "it's all in your mind" became more than a reality for me, living on my own. I suppose I just like to make things more difficult. So the question is, why am I beating myself up and not letting myself enjoy the moment?
Truth is, there have been many, beautiful defining moments living on my own. I can now slow down, and really reflect on my life, and wonders of all wonder; I actually ENJOY my own company.
With Christmas around the corner, and no kids coming home for the holidays, I will nonetheless host a party of 12 in my 640 square foot refuge.
I don't have Christmas eve off, so after attending church, and making last minute preparations for the barrage of guests set to arrive at 4 PM, my life will move into the fast lane for 48 hours.
And, after I finish dishes for 12 it will probably be close to midnight.
This Christmas party will remind me how ridiculous it is to have once been afraid to be alone. Once the last guest leaves, I will sigh a sound of relief, because I am 'alone' at last!
Yes, corny as it is, as 70's as it is, it has happened and to me! I have never learned to enjoy my own company- until very recently. There was always a child, husband, or relative around to absorb my time. I never really had to get to "know" myself. And secretly, I was afraid I wouldn't like myself. I thought I always had to have the "company" of others to keep me from dealing with this Pandora box.
So, after my son left to take a job in Florida in January, 2010; I was faced with yes, being alone, ( if you don't count the Great Pyrenees and Goffen Cockatoo I have in tow). The first few months' were the most difficult. I was transitioning to having constant stimulation to being alone with just the animals. My new, little apartment proved to be a safe haven to begin this journey.
I felt the rush of panic come over me, not unlike the feeling I had when I had to TRAVEL alone for business. I know it sounds just nuts, but I have this ANXIETY thing going on, causing me to even go into COLD SWEATS when I let my mind have free range.
Know what? I learned that the old expression, "it's all in your mind" became more than a reality for me, living on my own. I suppose I just like to make things more difficult. So the question is, why am I beating myself up and not letting myself enjoy the moment?
Truth is, there have been many, beautiful defining moments living on my own. I can now slow down, and really reflect on my life, and wonders of all wonder; I actually ENJOY my own company.
With Christmas around the corner, and no kids coming home for the holidays, I will nonetheless host a party of 12 in my 640 square foot refuge.
I don't have Christmas eve off, so after attending church, and making last minute preparations for the barrage of guests set to arrive at 4 PM, my life will move into the fast lane for 48 hours.
And, after I finish dishes for 12 it will probably be close to midnight.
This Christmas party will remind me how ridiculous it is to have once been afraid to be alone. Once the last guest leaves, I will sigh a sound of relief, because I am 'alone' at last!
