The Road Less Travel

The holidays went by with a blink of an eye.  I didn't particularly enjoy this holiday season, as I was ensconced with a job offer I had received and accepted- but did not start.  The job was a wonderful opportunity for me.  Or at least so I thought at the moment.

So, why is it I didn't take this job?  It was a step forward on the career ladder.  It promised a better salary, and potential to earn much more.  I was lost in the excitement of accepting the offer, but I didn't do enough research on the job itself.

It involved a considerable commute, and out of town training.  Hmmmm.  travel, you know that old expression "to thine own self be true." 

 I have a hard time being honest with myself.  If I were, I would have realized that I don't travel well.

 I have issues with this.  I don't handle change exceptionally well either.  I could blame it on age, but the truth is I have always been this way.

I am highly creative, sensitive, productive .  Unfortunately, the flip side of me is not so appealing.  I have always had to attend corporate conventions throughout my career.  However,  I \ had a spouse or travel companion to take along, so home was always with me on an unconventional level.

 At this juncture of my life, I live alone and have responsibilities I did not have before.

 I have an older dog, that I adore.  He is not doing very well, and it would mean leaving him for time without me that he has earned as my loyal companion.  I also have a loud, obnoxious parrot, that does not cotton to strangers caring for him in my absence.

I wish I could just shrug this off, but I can't these guys are 'family' to me.  

So back to the job offer; it would mean my working occasional evenings, getting home at no earlier than 7 pm, and little time to balance my home life.

  Shame on me for not evaluating all these issues initially.

Remember, I was was caught up in finally finding professional work, and said 'yes' before I looked at the fine print.

So, doing the unthinkable, I said no before I was to leave for corporate training.  This does not get you on the corporate hit list, for sure.

I don't have an answer, but I suppose I need to own up to the fact that at this point of my life, I want to work close to home.  Because, despite all the glitz and glamour of the corporate world, I realize what is really important to me.  Instead of criticizing what I can't do, I prefer to focus on what I can do.

And so, as I turn another page of my life, I am continually discovering and uncovering the 'real' me.  

Sometimes distasteful, but always the truth.  I don't know how many other wonderful career opportunities I will have.

I always entertain the idea that I can make them happen myself.

I Really Like Me

I haven't been able to write a thing for the longest time.  I feel I have let myself down, because I do so enjoy sharing my thoughts about life, love, happiness and sadness.  However, it is fitting that during the holiday season, I have learned something new; how to be my own best friend.

Yes, corny as it is, as 70's as it is, it has happened and to me!  I have never learned to enjoy my own company- until very recently.  There was always a child, husband, or relative around to absorb my time.  I never really had to get to "know" myself.  And secretly, I was afraid I wouldn't like myself.  I thought I always had to have the "company" of others to keep me from dealing with this Pandora box.

So, after my son left to take a job in Florida in January, 2010; I was faced with yes, being alone, ( if you don't count the Great Pyrenees and Goffen Cockatoo I have in tow).  The first few months' were the most difficult.  I was transitioning to having constant stimulation to being alone with just the animals.  My new, little apartment proved to be a safe haven to begin this journey.

I felt the rush of panic come over me, not unlike the feeling I had when I had to TRAVEL alone for business.  I know it sounds just nuts, but I have this ANXIETY thing going on, causing me to even go into COLD SWEATS when I let my mind have free range.

Know what?  I learned that the old expression, "it's all in your mind" became more than a reality for me, living on my own.  I suppose I just like to make things more difficult.  So the question is, why am I beating myself up and not letting myself enjoy the moment?

Truth is, there have been many, beautiful defining moments living on my own.  I can now slow down, and really reflect on my life, and wonders of all wonder; I actually ENJOY my own company.

With Christmas around the corner, and no kids coming home for the holidays, I will nonetheless host a party of 12 in my 640 square foot refuge.

I don't have Christmas eve off, so after attending church, and making last minute preparations for the barrage of guests set to arrive at 4 PM, my life will move into the fast lane for 48 hours.

And, after I finish dishes for 12 it will probably be close to midnight.

This Christmas party will remind me how ridiculous it is to have once been afraid to be alone. Once the last guest leaves, I will sigh a sound of relief, because I am 'alone' at last!

The Surprise Gift

The greatest joys for me have always come from the most unexpected places.  Last night, while out walking my dog, I struck up a conversation with a  neighbor in my complex.  This neighbor has obvious disabilities, yet his smile and easy manner would warm your heart.

 We conversed about Section 8 housing and how he got into the program. My building is certified for Section 8 housing, and there is a bevy of challenged people that have made it their home. After I collected my mail, "Tim" asked if he could walk along with me and my dog, Pepe.

"Of course," I replied.  I was welcoming conversation after a long day in front of a computer.

 We discussed where "Tim" was born, he shared with me that throughout his life,  people have made fun of him and his disabilities.  I was so hurt and angry to hear this from such a kind soul.

 I had talked to this young man less than ten minutes, and already I was perked up and happier than I had been in a long time.  Yet, I thought- people actually have made fun of him?  It is obvious that Tim has disabilities, he speaks about two octaves louder than most; but his easy smile and soulful eyes are honest, transparent and engaging.

I began to tell him about Pepe, my Great Pyrenees.  How he has suddenly lost the strength in his back legs.  I told him that Pepe has been my closest and best friend  for almost 10 years.  I shared the thought of losing him is painful.  I told him I didn't know how to handle this unavoidable event.

"Tim" knelt down and put his arm around Pepe's head and whispered,   "You're going to be alright Pepe, remember your Mama needs you, you have to get well for her," he said.  Tears welled up in my eyes.  The intuition this young man has amazed me .  After Tim had his little discussion with Pepe, he straightened up and continued to walk with me.

"I had a Golden-Retriever wolf mix," he said.  "I loved that dog.  My mom and I found him on an Indian reservation outside of San Diego.  I remember how I took him to work with me every day. Then, when he got sick we were going to move.  I prayed that he would live until we made that move."

I felt like I was talking to someone I have known all my life.  When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation.  A heart-to-heart like this?

Gifts come in different packages and types.  "Tim" told me that few people engage him in conversation because they just assume he isn't intelligent enough to take the time to speak with him.

What a travesty for those that have passed on a good conversation with Tim!

They have missed out on the special joys that he shares openly with those that will take the time to look beyond the obvious.

The rare unique pleasure of having a meaningful conversation.   I have always hated small-talk  For me, Finding someone to open up to is like trying to look for a needle in a haystack.

There are so many treasures to explore in the most unlikely places.  I often look outside myself for happiness; I think I'll find  in buying clothes, a house or other material possessions.

How would I know that the key to happiness could be found at my mailbox?

Finding happiness for me, after all was less complicated than I had imagined.

I challenge you to try it sometime by speaking to someone you would normally just pass on the street, at the car wash or on your day-to-day activities.

 It energized and renewed me.  I know it will bring you special joys as well.  I was reminded why I am here, and what it takes to really be happy.

My Real Estate Horror Story

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I bought a house, then I didn't buy a house.  It all went by that fast.  Having been a Realtor for 6 years I never imagined what my buyers' went through when buying a home.

The waiting, the excitement, the loan approval, the inspection -tons of paper work-  documentation, social security numbers; you name it - everything is required except your pantie size.

Not to mention school.  That's right, homeowners class.

 You see, I was approved for state funding for my down payment, so I went to a TERRIFIC class on the do's and don'ts of home buying.  I would advise EVERY buyer to take this class.  It is offered in every locality by the City in which you reside.  It is a wonderful resource at least, and at best; it provides for a down payment assistance that can be inexpensively paid back and is folded into your mortgage payment.

I have gone through this before - over 5 years ago.  I don't remember it being as stressful.  Oh, I have had multiple homes before which I shared with husbands.  However, I have never bought just for me and Pepe, my Great Pyrenees; and Coco, my Goffen Cockatoo.

After the running, the excitement, the shelling out of money for the inspection and appraisal, and earnest money - the transaction fell.

Not because I didn't qualify, not because I didn't want the house, but because the repairs agreed upon were not done to my satisfaction.

The seller did agree to correct the issues, but after I had already documented what I wanted repaired  and I found these during the walk-through- I was less than willing to be let down a second time.

I had to ask myself the hard question.  Can I afford to take on the financial responsibility of this house? Can I play roulette risking that the structure was sound? Can I afford to make these costly repairs if not?

Interestingly, there is no remedy for this in the real estate contract. It would require mediation, and of course, the seller gave me the opportunity to let him repair the items for the second time (which he didn't do correctly the first time).

Moreover, with just 5 days before closing, and having given my notice to vacate my apartment (which was already RENTED by the way), it took more than logic to terminate the transaction.

Shame on me.  And this happened twice. How could I make this mistake twice?  Me, the real estate professional.  I had always been so protective of my clients; how could I let myself down?

 There is so much to share I don't know where to begin.  I'll try to get this right for you:

1).  NEVER EVER fall in love with the exterior cosmetics of a house until you know what is behind the smoke screen. Having done this twice, shame on me.

2)  When you find your dream home, don't put anything on paper UNTIL your own  professional checks it out.  I don't mean inspector.  My inspector, as most will do;  pointed out the most critical things on the report.  My personal representative (a construction worker friend of the family) pointed out a ceiling so full of insulation that it buckled when he put his hand on it.

 I should have known.

3) Measure your bedroom IMMEDIATELY.  I was so ga ga  about this little doll house I didn't bother to  measure the rooms to see if my bedroom furniture would fit.   I found out after I went into contract  I would  have to break up my furniture set because it would not fit in any of the bedrooms.  Take that tape measure the first time you step into a home!

4) Talk to neighbors, get the skinny on the neighborhood and the history of the house...this was pointed out over and over again when I researched my transaction and at homeowners class as well.

The GOOD News?  by the grace of God I was able to get my complex  to get the new tenant to transfer to another apartment (which magically became available the day the transaction fell!).

My furniture all fits in my bedroom, and I won't have to give up my heavy duty washer and dryer that would not fit into the bungalow I was going to purchase. And, I won't have to wait to buy a dishwasher and air conditioner because I already have one in my humble abode.

The BAD News?  I had to tell  Pepe' that he was not getting his yard....not quite yet anyway.